A message that I received from a Dove Dark Chocolate piece...

"Dare to love competely"

Well, another new year has begun.  And I feel as shitty as ever.  A good, and most of the time wise, friend told me today, "The year allways goes differently than how it starts".  I hope so...  I am fighting an uphill battle with my boyfriend, and I'm starting to feel as if I am loosing the battle of his heart.  So soon, sooner than later I hope, he will see that we belong toghether, he will see that I need him, and maybe, he will realise that he needs me.  I have never loved anyone as much as I love him, we connect on a level differently than I connect for most people.  He doesn't see this, hopefully one day he will.  I guess you have to hit rock bottom before things improve, atleast thats what God told me, last night, when I was praying for an answer.  He says I'm ok, that WE are ok...  Things will look up, adventualy...  I don't really know how much longer I can take this, I want to help, but I know I cant.  I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I feel as if there is no way out.  But God is taking care of it I'm assuming, giving me signs as to not worry.  It's hard though.  It is hard to trust something that I can't see, the only contact is through couincidental messages, and what I feel and hear in my head.  I do trust, with my life, reguardless as to how hard it can be, and what other people say.  Things will be better, things will be better.  I will be stronger in the end, and I will also have the love of my life, whom of which will be strong as well... 

My sword is drawn, may truth be my light, I am ready for the battle, for the love of my life.  Be it easy, or to the bone, I will know, we both have grown.  Toghether or apart, be it as it may, in the end, it will turn out the right way.  As God as my wittness, and the Angles on high, he will come to me soon, as the love of my life.  He will come to me, as morning will break, I hope as this promise, my heart he will take.  The world will be, as it once and allways was, although my perspective has changed, blinded by love.  I will not lose my grip, I must stand fast, if I ever want, my true's love to last.  This poem is now ending, sealed with my kiss, may our souls be one, in God's eturnal bliss...

I wonder if that is even worth writing...  lol...  Maybe someone up there, (God or otherwise) make my boyfriend stumble upon this poem...  Maybe it will catch his eye...  Maybe it will catch his heart.....

So, I have decided, after almost a year, to start updating my Xanga again...  I have alot going on in my life right now, and maybe it will do some good to get it all down in writing.  Between Magick and boyfriends, God and Waffle House, life is almost too much to handle...  Most of the people who will read this, are my friends, and that is a good thing.  My friends are in short supply these days.  And that is kind of disconcerning to me.  I am a people person.  I have little time for friends, and am about to have much less.  I'm ok with that to an extent, it is what I'm choosing to do.  My boyfriend, whom of which is the love of my life, compleatly and utterly, consumes a little bit of my time, and work/sleep consumes the rest.  I wish I could spend more time with him, maybe that would make us happier...  I want us to be happier.  We are happy.  However, I know that it isn't nearly the happiest we could be.  There is an answer out there, an answer to our happiness, I'm looking for the answer, I'm praying for this answer.  I recieve clues to what this answer is, this phrase, this action, this way of life.  But nothing defining has happened.  Sometimes I think it never will, sometimes I think it is comming tomorrow.  Reguardless, I'm searching, I'm praying, I'm making the best out of what we have right now.  And if what is now, is all I ever have, I will be happy, because I am with him...  I am loved, I am loving...  What more can one ask for to be happy??  So, does this quest make me foolish?  No.  I don't believe so...  Because for him, I will do anything in my power to make him the happiest he can be, thus making us the happiest we can be toghether!  I love him, I love him more than I could possibly love myself.  That in itselfis a gift.  Thank you God, for giving me what I have.  Thank you God for letting me recieve what I will be receiving...

In God's light, we are his children,

Jeremy